Haven
by Triskelesque
Summary: Bella is a student by day, stripper by night. Her life has been complicated, she lives only for herself. But when she meets Edward Cullen her whole way of life is challenged. Dark, gritty fic. Rated for language, future lemons and stripper sexiness.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Please let me know what you think about this – this story is a real departure for me in terms of subject matter. I would love to know if I am doing bad or really bad :)

Haven

Chapter One: Desperation

* * *

Spin.

Twirl.

Hold the top of the pole - remember to balance your weight on the tips of your toes.

Don't concentrate too hard, look seductive.

For Christ's sakes Bella – Do. Not. Fall.

You need the money. Remember the money, remember your purpose.

***

The world is not a fair place. This was the first thing I learned when my life shifted – when my picture perfect life was pulled out from under me. If it were, I would not be here, wearing only a blue low rise thong, parading my bare tits for the rich asshole in front of me.

It would be safe to say at this point that this wasn't what I had envisioned for myself, at any age. That's the sad thing about desperation…it takes you to places that most wouldn't even consider. So here I am, dropping my ass on to this perverts pant covered dick, trying my hardest to push down the bile as I try to keep my mind on the prize. This debauchery was going to keep me in college, which was the vessel that would eventually provide me with a less disgusting life style. I had to remember that.

But sometimes that was a tall order.

As time goes on I find it easier to deal in this strange world I have entered, a fact that terrifies the hell out of me. When I first started stripping at Sapphire Gentlemen's Club I did what I do best, I made a rule system. Guidelines - any sort of systematic approach to a situation were always the best route. My father taught me that. Rules always gave me clarity and, the rules I set for myself when I started stripping were simple and concise.

Rule Number One: Never get comfortable with your occupation.

Rule Number Two: Never let yourself be pimped out.

Rule Number Three: No sex. Period.

Rule Number Four: You are always in control.

Rule Number Five: No boyfriends.

Rule Number Six: No friends.

For so long I hadn't had any problems with sticking to my rules and eventually, the rules bled into my personal life, creating a kind of protection from both worlds I lived in. I didn't have any friends, I didn't even look at guys and because of that I achieved the total control that I craved.

Sapphire was an upscale titty amusement park for the wealthy, a place that adhered to a strict code and rule system which was more than relieving for me. Dancers were treated with a fair amount of respect and kindness, the place was clean, and you had to be a member of the club to get in. I was fucking ecstatic when I found that out. At least I didn't have to cater to random men that strolled in off the street. I didn't start here sadly, I mean, god…if only. My start was more or less just like every other desperate woman's that turned to this lucrative profession.

The place was called Max's – a low grade, smoky prostitute haven disguised as a strip joint in the heart of Northeast Portland. I lasted a mere three weeks in the hell hole before I decided to up and quit and take my chances on the street. Fuck if I was going to have to sex up some drunken sleaze for a few bucks. My boss there, Mike, did everything he could to sell me off to the highest bidder, occasionally locking me in a cum covered room with a willing customer, who, thanks to my asshole of a boss, was under the impression that his fifty bucks bought him the right to tackle my vagina any way he pleased.

Wrong.

I wasn't a god damned prostitute, a fact that Mike fucking Newton most likely never forgot. His crooked nose, compliments of my fist, hopefully served as a reminder that Bella Swan was not to be a fuck toy.

Things were rough after that. I wandered the streets during the day, my large duffle bag swinging, tapping my thigh with every step. My nights were spent huddled by dumpsters near awnings.

Weeks went by in that fashion, living rough and in the rain, finding places to huddle and shrink away. I tended to stay around Hawthorn and Burnside, places that I didn't stick out in. Eventually I started going into clubs and started auditioning again, trying to find a place that would at least let me keep what remained of my dignity intact. It was like everywhere I went, every club I entered; it was all just a cover for underground prostitution. I won't lie, I did consider it. But the moment I saw myself screwing some sweaty prick for a few bills, my fathers face would skate right into my mind, effectively shutting down the inclination.

It was just as I was going to give up and walk out on my aspirations; I met a man who changed my life.

Jacob Black.

Hmm…Jay Black. He practically thrust me head first into the environment I now find myself in. He happened to be scouting for "classy girls" (as he says) to give his club a fresher vibe and had the opportunity to see me at one of my many dirty, seedy auditions. He was the reason I now lived a small two bedroom house, had no student loans, and didn't ever have to worry about any kind of stability. From that first night on I have been taken care of by his sexy Native American ass. He set me up in the club, gave me a room and supplied me with what he felt was appropriate clothing. At that point in my life I was willing to give myself over to someone else, have someone, anyone, make my decisions.

But now, now I just want to be free. Free from this painfully degrading lifestyle. Free to live the life that I had always imagined myself living.

All because of a man.

I had a man groaning and losing control beneath me, staring at my breasts as they bounced in his face – I was performing an act that was going to pay my mortgage for the next two months.

I had already had eight "appointments" today and none of it made a difference to me anymore. I wanted to give all of it up. I wanted to find a way out.

All because of Edward fucking Cullen.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: So here is another installment to Haven. Thanks to everyone who responded and I hope you like it. Enjoy the craziness that is Bella. Show love with reviews! (Or some delicious Voodoo Donuts…mmm…)

Haven

Chapter Two: Mr. Voodoo

* * *

**3 Months Earlier…**

I was walking down the street, hurrying through the rain that was so typical for Portland, with only one thing on my mind. Voodoo Donuts.

With every clink of my heel I heard a rhythmic _doh_-nut, _doh_-nut in my head. Those pastries were my salvation after a long day. Between the club and my classes I just didn't have much time for sleep, so I would indulge in late night Voodoo snacking – drinking coffee and stuffing myself while I studied numerous authors, wrote ludicrous fiction and articulated term papers. My issues with sleep started when I had been a teenager; even then I had been prone to late night perfectionism.

The rain was just getting started as I pulled the glass door open, the noise of the bell on the handle ringing in my arrival to the rather empty donut shop. The smell of dough and sugar assaulted my senses making me stop and just take a deep breath. The smell reminded me of my haven, my place of anonymity and solitude. I wasn't a stripper when I came through that door; I was just a regular full time student that didn't work as an upscale exotic dancer to make it happen. That smell made my entire mind ease and my body relax.

I started pulling my pea-coat off as I made my way to the counter, my heels clacking loud enough to echo through the nearly silent space. My jeans and tee-shirt were soaked despite the protection of my coat and I was immediately glad that I was the only late night occupant. My shirt was pale blue, my bra black. Now I may be a stripper but when I was out of that world and apart of the real one, I was merely self-conscious, insecure Bella. The girl who didn't like it when people could see her bra through her shirt.

I could hear the water droplets plopping on the linoleum floor, seeing as I was soaked from head to toe, creating little puddles as I all but shook myself out like a dog. I started to move toward the counter of the dimly lit shop and then it happened. My "luck" seemed to kick in.

Before I could register what was happening, I was slipping forward, my feet sliding around madly, making it damn near impossible to regain any sort of balance. Just as I closed my eyes and readied myself for an impact I was vaguely familiar with, I felt arms encircle me, pulling me tight against something surprisingly rigid.

And by something I mean body. A surprisingly rigid body.

My body froze. My eyes stayed shut in mortification. This. Was. Not. Happening.

That was until I heard the most sensational voice ask out, "Are you alright?"

I turned enough in my catcher's tight hold to see him, not quite turning all the way around.

Emeralds. Beautiful, unreal emeralds. Who the hell had eyes that looked like antique jewels? I think he mistook my dazed expression for confusion because he raised an eyebrow at me and smiled. "Do you need to sit down, maybe take a minute to let your brain catch up to the present?"

Was he talking? Yeah, he was talking and I am standing here like an ass. _Get a grip Swan_! Say something!

"Uh, no. Brains fine." I hope that wasn't as lame as it sounded.

"Can you make it the rest of the way then?"

I looked down and saw that we were connected tightly, mostly because I was still clinging on to his arms.

What the hell?

I took a deep breath and pried myself off the poor guy. _Coherent thoughts, coherent!_

"Yeah, sorry about that. I'm a natural disaster." _What?_ "I mean, that is to say that I am you know, like a tornado or a tsunami. Things that cause destruction wherever they go." _What the fuck am I saying? _"Thanks for braving the, well, shit!" I exclaimed out in pure frustration. _Why the fuck is he smiling at me?_

I put a hand up, shielding my eyes in embarrassment as I tried to risk working some damage control. "Fuck, sorry. Look, I ramble when I'm distracted. What I'm trying to say is thanks for not letting me break my ass, man." My more casual, crass self was making a recovery.

He was still smiling at me.

"Have a good night then, uh…thanks again!" I turned slowly, my face burning from humiliation and made my way to the front register.

"Bella! How's the dissertation coming along?" My late night snack provider inquired with a funny smirk.

Great, he witnessed my ungraceful nature as well. At least he was trying to distract me by maintaining our normal banter.

"Will, I can't even tell you how much I am beginning to hate, Victorian literature." I sighed out, throwing my coat over my arm and shuffling my messenger bag forward to grab my wallet.

"That bad?" Will, my donut confidant asked.

"So bad that I need you to please tell me that you have some dirty snowballs." I asked with a cheesy grin.

"I always have dirty balls for you Bella." He joked dryly.

"If you weren't gay I would think you were hitting on me." I cracked back.

"Baby, if I wasn't gay I would've been all over you ages ago." He winked at me. I loved this guy, he made my day sometimes. "Go sit at your table and I'll bring it out to you. Do you want coffee tonight?" He asked over his shoulder on his way to the back.

"Yeah! I need the stimulation!" I heard his laughter floating back to me as he disappeared from sight.

I made my way through the quirky setting and found my usual spot by the window and started to lay out my laptop and materials. The routine was so ingrained in me that I forgot that there happened to be another insomniac customer sharing the domain tonight. I was just going about my business when I heard a satin smooth voice ring throughout the silence.

"So you're a Voodoo addict as well." He stated matter of factly.

I turned and flipped my hair, almost in annoyance. I simply couldn't trust myself to not act like an idiot around this guy. "There are only so many places to go at two o'clock in the morning."

I was being general but isn't that what people do when they meet?

Without another word I moved to sit in my little booth and started shuffling through my work, visually trying to dismiss the more than gorgeous guy. And when I say gorgeous I mean, fuck me in the ass, must have made a deal with the devil to look so criminally hot, gorgeous.

Jesus Christ, I think I just fucking swooned.

I didn't let myself think too much about it when I took that first good look at him. But while I was trying to sit down and get situated I couldn't seem to stop seeing him in my minds eye. I swear no one should look so classic and unique all at the same time. He had hair that defied proper description, its coloring reminiscent of an artistic autumn color pallet. Its wild disheveled length, sexy - instead of unattractively unkempt. His eyes were dangerous. I didn't even want to think about his eyes again. He was tall and graced by genetic gods it seemed because he was tall, but proportioned, big enough to work hard but not so much as to be considered a circus freak.

_Jesus, Bella – get a motherfucking grip_.

Ignore and conquer, that was what I had done in the past. If I could do it back then I could do it now. The key was concentration. Men, scratch that, people made life complicated and I was not about to cater to my loneliness and break my rules. So he was nice to look at, so what, move on!

Just as I was starting to move past my strange encounter with my hormones, Will came to drop off my Voodoo loot which consisted of dirty snowballs and an extra large cup of coffee. "Hey, sweet cheeks?"

I laughed out loud but didn't look up at him as he set the items away from my papers. "Yeah?"

"That insanely hot piece has been staring at you since you walked in. I think he may be in love." He teased.

I looked up then and merely smiled angelically. "I hope not, I hate breaking hearts."

"You're prime evil! Come on, I would ride that train if I could sweetheart. There's nothing wrong with a little one night, met at a donut shop and then had a one night stand thing." Will pushed.

"I don't date." I offered, turning back to the screen of my laptop.

"I didn't say date."

"I don't fuck either Will, so leave it alone."

With a laugh he nodded and left, making his way back to the counter. Jesus, all I wanted was to do was pound out some pages on my paper and here I was being told to go fuck some random guy by my donut provider.

This was not what I had expected.

It seemed that after Will walked away I was able to focus and work, typing away at an inhuman speed as I entered the world of Victorian history. The first indication that I had been working for at least an hour was when I realized I was out of coffee, the second was that my back was aching from the hunched posture I had taken on.

I loved bad posture, it made me feel normal.

With a grunt I stopped my zealous pace and got up to get Will to hit me with another caffeine fix. I had effectively forgotten Mr. Voodoo, as I dubbed him, until I saw him out of my periphery, working on his own computer. I kept my eyes forward and got another cup, trying my hardest to not look at the most distracting specimen since Bigfoot.

Men never captured my attention anymore. I mean, shit! I worked very hard over the years to extricate the possibility of a man in my life and here I am, having a hard time not even _looking_ at this fucker.

Not looking was always the easiest part. Don't look at all and there is never any way that you can want more.

Leave it to my klutzy nature to force me to notice a guy for the first time in nearly six years. Damn my two left feet.

I made it back to my snug booth and got back to work, trying with everything I had to focus. Again I started typing, highlighting and reading, time becoming insignificant as I lost myself into my academic world.

By the time I eventually looked up I saw that day was breaking through, the sunrise starting to spark behind the buildings around us. I rolled my neck as massaged out the kinks as I started to pack up my belongings. I could get about three hours of sleep before going off to my first class if I left now. With a sigh I swung the strap of my bag onto my shoulder and grabbed my coat. It was still raining so I prepared myself to get drenched again.

I thrived in the rain. Something very few people understood.

I would never use an umbrella. I was a born and raised in the Northwest. We just didn't do that unless we had a nice hair-do that needed to be protected. Which was rare for me.

Just as I was about to open the door and yell bye to Will, I heard the same voice from earlier shout out.

I couldn't believe he was still here.

"Hey!" He called as he walked right up to me.

"Uh, yes?" To say I was befuddled would be a very large understatement.

"Do you come here often?" he asked, hands shoved into the pockets of his jeans as he rocked back on his heels slightly.

I laughed and most likely blushed. "Why would I answer that?"

He looked confused for a moment, even tilting his head to the side in thought. It took him a moment but he eventually understood. "That sounded creepy didn't it?"

I bit my lip and smiled. "Yeah, it's never a good idea to give away my routine to a perfect stranger."

"Why don't I try to be more direct." He posed aloud, noticeably talking more to himself than me. "I wanted to ask you for your number so that I could call you sometime."

Oh no.

God was so cruel.

He was going to make me turn down Green Eyes.

"Listen, this isn't anything against you, and trust me I appreciate the amount of balls it takes to ask a girl out like this...but I don't give out my number. To anyone, ever."

_Over share Bella, too much fucking information!_ Why does this guy give me verbal incompetence whenever we talk…_Jesus_!

He seemed to be considering if I was crazy or not, his eyes searching for something I wasn't about to give away.

"How about an email address then?" He asked with a coy smile.

I rolled my eyes. "Original. Look, thanks for catching me earlier and thanks for showing me the true properties of the color green." _Bella shut the fuck up now!_ "I mean, that is to say, thanks for being green, as in friendly…" _That doesn't even make sense. Shit._

He was smiling at me again but this time his mouth was curved up on only one side, exposing me to the world's sexiest smirk.

Fuck, I think I need to dump my shoe out now. I needed to change my underwear as soon as I got home.

Wait. Did I just cream my panties because of a _smirk_? A fucking _smirk_?

I needed help. Serious help.

I shook my head and tried to regain composure.

Then, in my mentally unstable state, I did something that shocked even me. I jokingly punched his shoulder and said playfully. "It's been great!"

Did I posses _any_ social skills at all?

It was with that humiliating gesture that I turned and all but ran out of the shop, tripping in my haste to get home and sleep away the image of sparkling green eyes and crooked grins.

Little did I know… that wasn't going to be the last time I ran into Mr. Voodoo.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: I hope you like this chappie! Coldplay and Theresa Andersson were huge inspirations while I was writing. Thanks to all of you who have responded to this story! I think of you and your comments as I write so for that I need to give you partial credit…total side not though…if you are looking for something new to watch or are needing to get out of a writers block, check out a new show called United States of Tara. Whenever I feel down, this show just remedies every malady! Please review so I can brag that I have the best fucking readers out there!

(Even if you don't I still think you're pretty rad, but I would not be a FF writer if I didn't _try_ to guilt you all!)

* * *

Haven

Chapter Three: Magnetics

Something felt off about this morning. My instincts just kept going wild as I made my morning cup of coffee and moved around my house, trying to gather everything I needed for my usually long day. Books, notebooks, wallet, keys, laptop - I stuffed everything away into my large corduroy messenger bag and rushed out the door, the feeling of change still clinging to my abdomen.

Now, I couldn't really cling and believe in the instinct I felt, mostly because I had gone to sleep three hours previously with a similar sensation - a mix of emotion whose source was known to me. This deep feeling was almost just like the one that lingered from this morning.

Damn my very strange encounter with the green-eyed guy from Voodoo!

I couldn't seem to make sense of it, mostly because the sensation was foreign to me. I just couldn't seem to shake him from my mind.

I kept trying to void out the feeling as I unlocked the door to my white Ford Focus, throwing my bag into the passenger side seat without a care and sliding in. I was ready to drive like a bat out of hell to make it to my morning history class at Lewis and Clark College. I wasn't far from the school, thankfully - it took maybe ten minutes to get there once I got over the Sellwood Bridge.

A set up that was more than convenient, seeing as I lived in the Sellwood Community. I had a hard time convincing Jake that it wasn't that far away from the club when he found out I wanted to buy an old fixer upper, away from downtown. He just didn't understand my logic for not wanting to be in the area that supplied the bulk of his business. Downtown was not a place where I wanted to be seen when I wasn't working. Even though men I entertained didn't usually come up to me, I still felt like I should just not be frequenting the same areas where I would be tempting fate. I did go there on occasion, for some of the boutiques, but all in all I could get everything I needed or wanted from neighborhood shops.

At least that way I was a part of the community in a way. I gave my money to local businesses whenever I could.

As I drove over the bridge I looked to my right, taking in the partial view of the city skyline. OHSU was poking out of the west hills and just centered in the landscape was Big Pink, also known as the U.S. Bank tower - my favorite part of the colorful city-scape. Some days it looked bright pink, others it was more beige. It made Portland stand out, and I never thought Portland stood out enough. Everyone always begins talking about how awesome Seattle is when they start talking about the Northwest. When this happens, I always think, 'Hey! What about Portland?"

The sight took my breath away everyday, and today was no different, except for the fact that I might have looked at it for a bit too long. I was turning my head back to center when I saw it.

Bright. Red. Break lights.

I slammed on my brakes and gripped the wheel with both hands, willing them to help me stop the damn car in time.

Again, as was always the case, I did not have luck on my side.

I slammed into the back of a silver car, my body going forward and then back with a force that knocked the wind out of me. I started to panic when I couldn't breathe, my body shaking with effort as I tried to gasp for air.

As I struggled, visions of my parents started rushing through my mind. The pictures of the accident came next, the blood, the mangled metal – each image making by body tense with anxiety and fright. I couldn't focus on anything other than my parents and my _lungs_ frustration at me for not giving it what it wanted. I was starting to feel incredibly tired.

Just as I started to feel my throat gain a little hope of oxygen, my vision began blurring at the edges...

The last thing I heard was a far away voice, yelling with conviction about keeping my eyes open when everything went black.

***

What the hell was that noise?

My alarm clock did _not_ sound like that. This sound was entirely too high pitched to be my alarm.

I turned over on my side with a fairly masculine, football inspired grunt and curled by body into itself in defiance. I did not want to wake up. I felt like shit that may have been squeezed out in the depths of hell.

I started moaning louder as the beeping went on…until what I thought was my own little, melodramatic performance, was interrupted by the unfamiliar.

"Attractive." A male voice deadpanned.

"Holy Shit!" I screamed out, jumping up and scooting back as far as I could on what I now realized was not my bed. "Who the hell are you and what are you doing here!" I screamed again, causing my "attacker" to cringe and defend his ears by covering them with his hands.

What the fuck was I thinking...that this was some kind of NBC police drama?

"Whoa, wait - its ok!" he shouted, moving his hands up in surrender. "I didn't mean to "creep" you out again." He added a little more quietly, making me look up and groan.

"You have _got_ to be _kidding_ me."

"Hey, I believe you're the one who hit me." He said wryly, looking at me with a smug goddamn smile.

"Oh, my god. I am so sorry." I dropped my head in my hands and took a deep breath, shaking my head as I remember why I hit him the first place.

"Stupid fucking skyline, stupid fucking sunrises! Really smart Bella!" I started muttering, progressively becoming louder as I realized what I had done.

"Do always refer to yourself in the third person or should I call the nurse?"

"NO!" I yelled out instinctively, throwing my hands to my mouth as soon as I realized that I startled the guy yet again.

"I mean, no - don't do that, I'm fine. I sound crazy at times but I'm relatively sane. As sane as a woman like me can be, I mean everyone's a little crazy right?" _He looks scared, maybe I am crazy._ "No? Um, I suppose not everyone would agree with that, especially if you didn't like to fancy yourself being nuts...Shit!" I threw my hands in the air and just lost it.

"What _is_ it with you that's makes me incapable of speaking like a normal, rational human being!" I shouted out like a child.

He laughed.

He was laughing at me.

And then I realized…this was pretty damn funny.

So I joined in. I laughed until my abdomen hurt so bad I had to roll over and hold my side. Through the tears streaming down my face, I saw that he was having a similar fit of hysterics. We continued on until our eyes met and then it seemed like all the air had been sucked out of the room.

He came forward and I could feel my eyes widen. I had no idea how to react to this man.

Not that I knew how to act with any man when I didn't have a character to play.

He put out his hand, his eyes full of mirth as he sported that world shifting smirk. "Edward Cullen."

I shifted my stare from his verdant eyes and gazed at his hand warily.

_Introductions Bella, you remember those right? Whew, in my world, introductions were bad, very bad. _

Fuck me - I couldn't make myself resist it. I had absolutely lost my prized self-control.

I had to touch this man.

I lifted my arm and placed my small hand into his large one. Electric sensations shot up my right arm at the contact, making me look up at his face to see if he felt it too.

His eyes were wide as they looked back at me. With an abrupt shiver, he withdrew his hand and stared at it in awe.

"Bella Swan." I croaked out, still staring at him with a matching awe.

"So…" he stopped and coughed, giving his nervousness away. "…do you rear end guys often?"

I laughed and shook my head. "Nope, so far you're the only victim."

"Should that make me feel better?" He was leaning against the wall now, his confidence apparently restored.

"Hopefully my insurance will do that for you." I wanted to get us back to talking about what happened. "Was the damage bad?"

He chuckled very quietly. "The way I see it, you and I are relatively unharmed," He raised an eyebrow at me and smirked as he spoke. "and I still made it into work on time, which for most people would be impossible. All in all I think the damage done today was minimal."

"I meant, how badly did I fuck up your car?" I was beyond exasperation at this point.

"Do you always talk like that or do I bring it out of you?"

"Do you always answer a fucking question with another motherfucking question?" I all but shouted back.

"Did you grow up on a ship full of sailors as a girl?" He inquired nastily.

"Somewhat." I muttered looking down at my hands.

"Sorry?" He looked up then no doubt wondering if he heard me right or at all.

"Listen, I have classes to get to and work to be done. Can I get out of here now?"

Edward made his way to my bed and sat on the edge like he was some old friend or something.

"Um, look…your cute and everything and seem to be irregularly patient but you're a little too close for comfort. I mean, well your not just cute, that seems like I am selling you short. You're pretty sexy actually but I don't like it when people invade my personal bubble so could you back off?"

I was blushing.

I could feel it all over. Warm blood rushing all over my face and neck, proving if he needed any further indication, that I was a fool.

"Do you always ramble?" Edward asked, still moving closer to me.

"It's a curse." Oh no, the sterility of the hospital was making itself known. Oh god I hate that smell.

"I think I may need to go to the bathroom." I spoke up, suddenly feeling nauseas.

"I need to check your heart rate and then you may get up and go." Suddenly he sounded formal.

"What do you mean, check my heart rate? Why would you do that?" The bile was starting to rise.

Not good.

I saw the corner of his mouth curve but he didn't answer.

Then I realized why he was here. He was wearing a white lab coat, a white stethoscope in his hand.

Where the hell was my head? How did I overlook the fact that he looked like a doctor?! Oh yeah, green eyes. Smirk. Nothing else seemed to exist when he flashed those around.

"You're a doctor?" I asked weekly as he placed the cold metal circle over my heart.

He nodded, his coppery hair moving with grace despite the motion.

And then it happened.

The most embarrassing thing that I could have ever done.

I threw up, green bile spewing out…all over the newly introduced Edwards chest.

He didn't even move. He sat completely still as hunched over and vomited on him.

When I was done he looked up at me, his eyes round with shock and what I hope was a little sympathy.

"Looks like you're not going anywhere Ms. Swan."

My life was a distinct shit hole that I couldn't seem to swim out of. That or god had it out for me.

Either way, I fell back asleep feeling retched and hopeless.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N at the bottom…

New Born

Muse

Link it to the world  
Link it to yourself  
Stretch it like a birth squeeze  
The love for what you hide  
The bitterness inside  
Is growing like the new born  
When you've seen, seen  
Too much, too young, young  
Soulless is everywhere

Hopeless time to roam  
The distance to your home  
Fades away to nowhere  
How much are you worth  
You can't come down to earth  
You're swelling up, you're unstoppable

'cause you've seen, seen  
Too much, too young, young  
Soulless is everywhere

Destroy the spineless  
Show me it's real  
Wasting our last chance  
To come away  
Just break the silence  
'cause I'm drifting away  
Away from you

Link it to the world  
Link it to yourself  
Stretch it like it's a birth squeeze  
And the love for what you hide  
And the bitterness inside  
Is growing like the new born

When you've seen, seen  
Too much, too young, young  
Soulless is everywhere

Destroy the spineless  
Show me it's real  
Wasting their last chance  
To come away  
Just break the silence  
'cause I'm drifting away  
Away from you

* * *

Haven

Chapter Three

What the hell did I do to deserve such crappy existence? The odds seem to stack up against my very presence, dealing me blow after blow of unwanted circumstances and erroneous decisions. I mean, how many people can say they threw up on a doctor…that they rear ended that morning _and_ had met the day before in some Voodoo vortex of chance.

Not many.

God, being such a magnet for inconvenience gets old after awhile.

Hour after hour passing has driven me to the point of madness. Since the most disgusting interlude of my life, Edward "The Evasive" Cullen has yet to grace me with his presence, leaving me here bored as hell and frustrated beyond any fucking measure. Beside the fact that I want to apologize for covering him with the minimal contents of my stomach, I needed to get out of here.

Missing two classes at Lewis and Clark would undoubtedly screw with my entire weekly rhythm but beside that – I had to work in less than an hour.

The stale hospital room was shrinking into me, suffocating me with its sterility and absence of vitality. Despite the creepy hospital vibe, my mind was less fuzzy; every nurse for the past hour assuring me that all my tests had turned out fine. Having all that to stew on was maddening. Why the hell they refuse to go and discharge me is beyond reason.

All in all, I was in a clusterfuck type situation and didn't possess much control in the matter.

Control was all I had left.

Quietly, without trepidation, I moved myself out of the uncomfortable confines of my hospital bed and snatched up my purse and shoes. Pushing my feet into my leather boots, I peeked around the side of the door and looked for signs of the Voodoo doctor. Seeing nothing but nurses scuttling about I stepped confidently out and walked toward the nurse's station of the ER.

I approached the desk and leaned down on the counter casually. "Excuse me?" I asked a bit rudely but with a smile that reeked of falseness. A red haired nurse looked up from her computer. "Hi, yes. I need to get the hell out of here because I have a life that needs to be lived, so if you could be doll and discharge me that would be great."

Red seemed a bit stunned.

"A discharge needs to be given by your residing doctor. Who is your doctor Miss?"

"Cullen, but I would rather just do this without dealing with him." I pushed.

Without even batting an eyelash, nurse fucking Betty picked up her phone and made a big mistake. "Paging Doctor Cullen to the ER, Doctor Cullen to the ER please."

I let out an aggravated growl and pushed myself off the counter. "Have it your way Red. I believe you have all of my information so please, just send me the bill."

With that admittedly dramatic address I was off, the medical world be damned. The longer I was here the more I remembered things that I had worked damned hard at burying away in my psyche. The sterile clean smell, the beeps of machines, and the madness of the ER in general. Everything reminded me of the day my life changed forever, the day everything was taken away. I could be a hard ass with a foul mouth but I was human it seemed. So without further adieu, I stalked toward the automatic doors and didn't look back. I knew they couldn't keep me if I wanted to leave so fuck'em.

The fresh Portland air hit me like a bag of happiness, making my head almost dizzy with its fresh properties. There was a misty drizzle falling around me, dampening my clothes but not my spirit. I stood there, taking in the opportunity to cleanse myself of that horrid hospital smell as I realized I was unsure of what to do. I didn't have my car, a fact that made my things tricky. I could call a cab or take TriMet or even just walk. Time wasn't on my side though and Jake hated when I was late and not "ready". Technically we (as in the girls) were to show up to the club pin-up ready, as Jake liked to say. He didn't like when members saw us as ourselves, make-up less and well, normal.

These men paid a high price to even become a member, not to mention the bills they offered when I danced. Because of that knowledge I never questioned Jake's rules. Well that and I saw what happened to the girls that broke any of the agreements we signed and lets just say, that I avoid situations like that with most people, but especially Jacob Black.

He was a kind employer overall but he had a temper. He was a fellow control freak like me but perhaps to a different extreme. Let's just say that I act like I trust him but I wouldn't dare. He knows exactly what he's done for most of us and isn't shy about threatening to take it all away.

And sadly, I happen to be his favorite entertainment.

Maybe it's because I never step out of line, or perhaps because I will dance for anyone he puts me with. It could be a number of things…lately I have even considered that he might be attracted to me, which, honestly…will not fucking work out for us. He knows my rules as well as I know his. I wouldn't have worked for him otherwise.

The problem though with a possible attraction or possessiveness isn't that it would complicate a dynamic at the club or even that it would break my rules. The problem would be that I wouldn't break the rules in the first place – and what Jacob Black wants…he gets. I would lose my job, my house, finishing my masters would be out of the question, and I would lose every ounce of security that I had worked for these last few years.

Seriously though, I don't even want to think about all of those complications. The biggest issue at present was how the hell I was going to get in the club unnoticed and if I could get there on time.

Shit. Shit. Fuck. God Damn IT! I'm going to have to call him.

Son of a motherfucker's cunt, this was going to blow.

Standing there in the now full blown rainstorm, I ran to the nearest awning to stay dry. I pulled out my cell and hit my speed dial for the club.

When he answered I felt my stomach cave in on itself. "Jake, it's Bella."

"Oh, _my_ _Swan_? What can I do for you baby?"

"Well, the thing is, actually there are many things to speak of but so much has happened…" He cut me off with a humorless laugh.

"Stop rambling and spit it the fuck out Bella."

"I was in a car accident this morning and just got the fuck out of the ER. I don't think I can be at the club on time and I most defiantly won't be made up." I rushed out, desperately wishing I still smoked. A cancer stick sounded pretty delicious right about now.

He was silent for way longer than I expected. Shit, he's pissed.

"Well that's disappointing Swan. You know how I feel about tardiness among other things.'

"I know Jake but trust me," I huffed. "this was totally out of my control."

"What have I told you about control Bella?"

"That I always have it." I murmured.

"Well, I suppose I need to administer a punishment for breaking our rules."

It made my skin crawl when he referred to them as _our_ rules. "Jake please..." I started to plead. I had never fucked up with him ever…I saw what he did to the other but it was always different depending on how he felt that day.

"Stick a dick in your mouth Swan 'because I don't want to hear it. Just because I like you doesn't mean that you're immune to consequence. Don't bother coming to the club tonight, instead I think you will be doing a house call. One of your regulars keeps requesting a personal visit. I think that now is as good a time as any, this fuck would take you any time apparently. Shift his whole fucking life I'd bet to get just an hour with you."

Now I was pissed. "I don't do house calls anymore Jay." Who the fuck did he think he was? "You know what happened last time." I stated firmly.

"I had the guy checked out, he's clean and I did the paperwork with him. He knows the rules." Jake said airily.

"I want one of the boys with me."

"No negotiations Bella, you'll be there or you'll be out on your ass again understood?" He all but yelled at me, my phone vibrating from the volume and intensity of his voice.

"Text me the address." I fucking conceded. I relied on the stability I had created for myself and fuck if I was going to lose it.

"Good girl. Be there at seven and don't stay longer than nine. Jasper will be there but won't go inside. This client had a few demands and I felt they were fair, but Jasper will stay around the perimeter if anything happens."

"Fine, I need to go then – time isn't exactly on my side right now." I muttered calmly as I tried to digest what the hell happened. I looked around at my surroundings, noticing the rain again and taking in the large white buildings that defined the west hills. I was outside, in the rain with no car, at a hospital, arguing with my chauvinistic boss who was acting a little like my pimp.

I was nauseous again.

"Call me when you're done Bella." His voice made me wince again. How he went from domineering asshole to affectionate prick was beyond me.

"Right."

I flipped my phone shut and held it in front of me in a manner that made me look like I was examining a new species.

And then I screamed at it.

Loudly, expressing with one action just how fucked up my day had become.

When I was through, a voice to my right laughed outright. "You are, without a doubt, the most fascinating creature I have ever met."

Damn it.

"Do I need to get a restraining order or something?" He was here again? Why couldn't I shake this guy?

"Well perhaps if you didn't run all the time you would avoid such unplanned run-ins." Was his curt and slightly sarcastic reply.

"Who the hell do you think you are?" I said turning to him, completely unaware that my white t-shirt was see-through as I faced him.

"You're doctor and victim it would seem."

I snorted. Yeah, that just happened, and I hadn't snorted in years. "More like stalker and donut enthusiast from my perspective. Do you ever, I don't know…give up? I mean come on! I fucking threw up on you." I asked, placing my hands on my hips.

"I'm exceptionally persistent. I am a doctor after all."

"Yeah, a seemingly arrogant one." I retorted with a glare.

"I don't apologize for my achievements…" he started defensively.

"Well, you don't need to brag about them either." God this guy was infuriating.

That seemed to stun him into silence.

Bella – 1

Voodoo – 0

He shifted his stance, shoving his hands into the pockets of his white lab coat. Underneath he was now wearing a pair of plain, light blue scrubs and fuck.

Holy hell he was sexy. Part of me _wanted_ him to stalk my boring ass.

"Do you need to get somewhere?" he asked politely.

Great. Another man who suffered from multiple personalities.

"Why the hell do you think I bolted? I have a life that I can't stop living, just because I rear-ended some sexy smart-ass doctor.

I rolled my eyes at myself. What the fuck was wrong with me? Could I not keep my composure at all?

"Ah, just when I thought you were warming up to me…" he trailed off with the smirk that had haunted my dreams.

I could write Pulitzer Prize winning poetry on that seemingly natural twitch.

"Listen, I am terribly sorry for all the hell I have caused you today, really I am. But, to be honest, I really need to get home and get ready for work – as it is I am some serious shit with my boss, hence my tyrannical screaming at my poor phone. Thanks for being so cool about everything but I really need to go now."

I looked at him and smiled, hoping that he would understand the gesture and walk away.

It would seem that he was indeed persistent.

"Let me give you a lift." It was a statement not a question. Strangely enough I didn't feel weird about his tone. I was, for a moment, perfectly at ease.

And in my haze that resulted from that unfamiliar sensation, I found myself nodding in acceptance to his offer/demand.

His handsome, scruffy, well defined face looked at me curiously. He eyes held a glint of triumph that made me feel slightly giddy, even in spite of my current circumstances.

It was official…I was a masochist. A sick twisted pain lover.

"Okay, lets get going seeing as your in such a hurry." He said almost playfully, turning and walking in the other direction. I blankly followed, feeling as though I were hypnotized.

We walked in silence with me straggling behind, the silence creating an awkward situation. I needed to change that. I couldn't handle the silence.

"So, what _did_ happen to my car?" I asked a little more loudly than intended.

Without even turning around he yelled back. "I had them tow it to your given address."

Hmm.

Well, fuck.

That was really thoughtful.

"Thank you." I murmured quietly. I thought he hadn't heard until I heard his voice echo through the rain and wind.

"Your welcome."

It was only a moment later when we reached the parking garage that I assumed held his vehicle. We walked inside to the first level, finally sheltered from the pounding pellets of rain and walked briskly through to a row of cars toward the back.

When he stopped in front of his car, indicating that it was his, my face skewed up in horror at the damage to his rear end.

You know what I mean.

"Jesus. I am so, so fucking sorry." I said again as I walked to the passenger side door, trying to put the damage behind me. Seeing it too was brutal. I mean, fuck…I caused that damage.

I just couldn't piece together why this man, a doctor – with the oldest and most romantic sounding name in literature – was being so incredibly nice to me.

He interrupted my thoughts as he spoke. "Don't worry about, that's what insurance is for, right?"

He opened his door and gestured for me to follow and I again found myself in an awkward situation.

"So where am I taking you Bella?" He started out conversationally, making me sigh in relief.

"Uh, Sellwood. I'll direct you when we get over the bridge." I didn't look over at him but I saw him nod in my periphery.

I leaned my head against the window and sighed.

Would this day never end?

* * *

A/N: So, first of all I want to apologize for taking so long. I had finals (which I aced by the way!) and then my spring break was crazy busy.

Second, thank you so, so much to everyone that has reviewed and given this a shot! I am so fucking happy that people are liking this.

Third, I didn't really edit this properly, seeing as I felt bad that I took so long, but I figured that I would give you this now, unperfected, to quench your appetite. I will post the edited version very soon for those of you that are grammar Nazis!

Lastly, I laughed hard at every reaction to the vomiting. When I wrote it I didn't feel it was that gross but you all made me reread it again in a new light. I just thought, vomiting makes people bond you know, in like an unspoken way. I have a plot finally…that was another reason for my tardiness. The next few chapters will be rough to write….so forewarning….get ready for the stuff that earns an M rating. Not the sexy stuff…

So, uh…review! That's the ticket!


	5. Note

I just wanted to say that I have NOT given up on this story. I have been very ill and dealing with a multitude of hard situations for most of the year. I suffered a miscarriage late last year and haven't been well since. (In my mind anyway.) I have been seeking medical attention since I mentally shut down around April of this year.

Typically, I would write to both explore myself and escape. This was actually discouraged for a slight period of time by my therapist. My physicians weren't sure if it would be healthy for me to lock myself away into an imaginary world when I could hardly function in the real one. That and I was so exhausted from trying to work myself out that I couldn't write something coherent for you if I tried. Instead I wrote about the realities of my life, situations and my dreams.

Thank you for all your wonderful thoughts and predictions, kind comments and encouragement on this fic. Thank you to those that are still reading the small start I have posted and for continuing to put this on alert in hopes I will update.

I will be back soon and these characters will rock your world, I promise. (That and edited versions of the first chapters will go up as well!)

Thanks a mill you guys,

Trisky.


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